A few months ago, the boy that my husband and I are in the process of adopting came to live with us for good. It was such an incredibly amazing day, full of a mixture of hugely strong emotions, that I’ll certainly never forget. Despite there being (potentially) still months to go before the legal side of things completes, I wanted to reflect on the journey we’ve taken so far in getting to this point. We’re far from unique in embarking on this journey, but I know everyone does have their own unique experiences, and I hope that talking about our particular ones might be some help to others going through the process, or potentially interesting to others.
Although there’s still a fair way to go for us, that particular day a few months back was already the culmination of around 18 months’ worth of “adoption process”. In the UK, where we’re based, there are a number of stages that potential adopters have to go through in order to become adoptive parents through the social services system. These stages include legal, safeguarding, training, layers of checks, and deep reflections on the adopter’s previous lives and how these could manifest in the future.
Some say that it seems “unfair” for adoptive parents to have to go through such a rigorous process. But I’m not sure I agree – some of the children needing forever homes and families have lived such horrific experiences most adults wouldn’t experience even in a whole lifetime. As such, the social system has a responsibility to ensure that these children are placed where they are going to be safe and loved, no matter what.
This post is written very much from the perspective of my own experience in going through the adoption journey. Our side, however, is just the tip of the iceberg in comparison to all the processes that had happened before we had been matched with this child, and in the background once we had. We – of course – learned about much of this both in theory (during adoption training sessions) and in fact during the subsequent process.
How do people like us become parents?
My husband and I have always wanted to be parents, and it’s something we discussed early on in our relationship. Even with this strong desire, the inertia brought about by the options available to us (or lack thereof) made it hard for us to know exactly how to begin the journey.
There were a million questions. Do we try to meet someone who could be a surrogate mother for us? Do we travel abroad (and if so, what’s the legal standing? Can same-sex couples adopt there? etc.) Do we enter into a co-parenting agreement with someone? Or something completely different? There is no de-facto route. At the end of the day, the potential parents need to work out what is most appropriate for them and – ultimately – what would provide the best outcome for any children brought about by (or into) the situation as a result.
At the time, neither of us really knew very well many adoptive parents or people who had been adopted, and so this uncertainty also added to the confusion. People close to us, including those in medical or care-adjacent fields, also warned us about and advised us against adoption – each of them having stories about families they knew eventually becoming torn apart. I think it was hard for these people to understand the much more limited optionality available to us, and how this conflicted with our strong urges to become parents, but we took on the advice where we could.
(Looking back on this since, and hearing the “real” stories from adopters we’ve met and from social workers along the way, we now know that these stories are less common, but being aware of the potential challenges is still important.)
For months (if not years) we weighed up the options available to us. Eventually, I signed us both up to an information evening event held by our local authority, and this became the start of our journey.
Starting the journey
The information evening event introduced us all to adoption, the process, the legal steps, the challenges and (potentially huge) difficulties, but also all the amazing benefits. Although adoption is not about competition, it was a bizarre experience seeing all the other potential adopters and couples, all – like us – desperate to become parents. It was clear that everyone was putting their best feet forward with the hope that it might bolster their chances somehow. However, it became clearer in the following weeks and months that the decisions and considerations regarding adopters is based on much more profound factors than just “coming across well”.
A few weeks after the information evening, a representative from the local authority came to visit our house to meet us specifically in person. She was with us for a couple of hours, and was keen to learn as much as possible about us, our history and relationship, and about why we wanted to become parents. We were told about the “two-stage” adoption process, and the whole thing sounded like it stretched in front of us forever, with so many steps and checks to get through. The idea of becoming a parent still seemed a million miles off.
Shortly after this, we were invited to a compulsory three-day adoption training event. This was an intense course with about 15 adoptive parent sets involved, full of group learning sessions, break out discussions, team work with other prospective adopters, and presentation of thoughts and ideas to the rest of the “class”. We learned about so much; from child psychology and brain development through to all the many types of trauma children might suffer, and some of the parenting techniques (particularly therapeutic parenting) that are better suited to help children that have lived through these experiences. We also covered and discussed real-world scenarios, understanding the complexities of families, sibling dynamics, and issues faced by birth families subjected to the social system.
Shortly after this course finished, we met our assessing social worker, who would be with us, assessing, and guiding us throughout the process. This represented the start of Stage 1.
Stage 1
Stage 1 of the adoption process in the UK is largely related to background checks and a broad understanding of the prospective adopters’ circumstances. The stage lasts for two months, and we met with our social worker a few times over this period.
The checks included employment checks (including social worker meetings with our employers), and checks and meetings by our social worker with our nominated friends and family referees.
During this stage, our social worker also got directly in touch with our ex-partners for references and to get a more “realistic” idea of our personalities and abilities to become parents. This definitely felt strange, and we still don’t know what our exes said during those interviews!
We had to each have full medical examinations and reports in order to show we are physically and mentally fit enough to have children.
Finally, we compiled a set of documents to provide a richer understanding of our families and backgrounds. This included family trees, “eco maps” (to show our local practical and emotional support networks), personal profiles, chronologies and timelines relating to key events in our past, and analyses into our learnings and understanding about the process.
All of this was assessed by our social worker and her team, and we were able to progress to Stage 2. Despite this still being relatively near the start of our journey, I definitely remember this being a big milestone for us, and we were really feeling the excitement of things beginning to become more real!
Stage 2
Stage 2 was a longer and much more intense process, involving long weekly meetings at our home with our social worker. This stage was more around getting to know us, inside-out, as a couple and individually. Tom and I had sessions together, and some sessions apart, in which we explored our relationship, our individual and combined strengths and weaknesses, how we would overcome specific scenarios and challenges, and how we can support each other.
Over the weeks, we also dived deep into our pasts, talking about our earliest memories, our own upbringings, and experiences with our own parents and families. We would reflect on all these experiences and talk about how we would apply or use them to guide our own parental attitudes and abilities. We both come from dynamic and mixed families, giving us lots to talk about and reflect on.
During this stage we also discussed finance and income, and our plans for work and leave after a child is placed with us – describing how our arrangement would allow for a child to be cared for whilst also providing a safe home. The social worker carried out health and safety checks on our home (and our dog!) in order to make sure it’s suitable for a child, with remediations required where necessary.
One of the hardest areas we covered during this stage was describing the kind of child we’d want to adopt; whether this would be one or more children, and whether we had a preference on gender, age, background, and so on.
We also had to determine the condition of children we would or wouldn’t want (or be able) to adopt. For example, would we be able to adopt children with severe learning difficulties, children with pre-existing medical conditions, or children who had suffered particular types of trauma? The checklist was long (there must have been about 50 items), and at times we certainly felt cruel by saying “no” to some of the questions. However, our social worker said it was important for us to be honest and realistic – especially as first-time parents.
Thankfully we passed Stage 2, and we were able to proceed to the adoption panel!
Adoption panel
The adoption panel is held after completion of Stage 2, and is used to determine whether or not the adopter (or adoptive couple) should be approved to adopt, and also the type of child (or children) they are approved to adopt (e.g. two children of any gender under the age of 5).
During Stage 2, our social worker used all the information we gave her and talked about, plus the details from our referees and the items from Stage 1, in order to produce a document called a PAR (Prospective Adopter’s Report). This is a long and very comprehensive document, going into all the details about our past, our own reflections, our strengths and weaknesses, and an honest assessment of our current situation and our suitability to become adopters.
Our PAR was used during the adoption panel to help guide questions and discussion. It took place about 6 weeks after we finished Stage 2, and comprised about 10 people (excluding us), representing a mix of social workers, previous adopters, medical experts, laypeople, and more. It lasted about 40 minutes and we were asked about why we want to become adopters, how we would support and care for a child, and how our backgrounds would help shape us as future parents. We were also asked about what we were most excited about, along with other questions that I can’t remember now!
The whole thing felt like a quick blur. We were super nervous beforehand but once we got into the flow, it was fine, and the panel members were lovely people. It felt like everyone had a common goal.
We left the panel and were shortly afterwards joined by the chair and our social worker in order to get our verdict. We were lucky in getting unanimous approval!
Shortly after the panel, we were invited to an additional compulsory one-day training day focused on the post-approval process. Again, this covered group and individual activities and learning sessions, in order to more precisely understand the matching and legal process, along with reflections on and exercises relating to our learning of relevant parenting techniques (such as PACE). The session was great and we keep in touch with some of the other attendees still to this day. It was also lovely to catch-up with the prospective adopters we had met at the previous sessions!
Matching
Once we were approved as adopters we entered the matching phase. This period can last anywhere between a couple of months through to several years, depending on the preference of the adopters and the availability of children needing an adoptive family that match the type of child(ren) the adopters have been approved for.
During this stage, the social workers representing the children are presented with PARs from prospective adopters. Aided by family-finding social workers, their job at this stage is to find the child(ren) prospective adopters to be their forever family. Social workers look at the needs of the child, and whether they think that the prospective adopters would be able to meet these needs both in the short- and long-term. There is also a family-finding system (called Link Maker) but we didn’t end up joining this.
We waited for a few months to hear, in frequent contact with our social worker, about any future matches coming our way. And then the incredible day came in which we received a CAR/B (Child Adoption Report) for a boy. His social worker thought that Tom and I could be a good fit for him.
We read the report again and again. We fell in love almost instantly with the descriptions of his beautiful personality. We were so excited to find out more about him, and we were given the opportunity to meet with his social worker, who could tell us more about him, his needs, and his situation.
Over the following few weeks we had several meetings with the child’s social worker, the family-finding social worker (the person who carries out most of the liaison between the parties at the matching and placement stages), and even with his current foster carer. After each meeting we felt ourselves become more and more sure that he was the perfect fit for us, and that hopefully we would also be for him! Shortly after these meetings, we found ourselves getting ready for the matching panel.
Matching panel
Like the adoption panel, the matching panel is attended by a wide range of people – this time also including the child’s social worker and the family-finding social worker.
We were asked a lot of questions again, but this time more specifically about the child and how we would be able to meet his needs for now and in the future. We talked also about why we thought we would be a good match for him and how our home/work-life balance would work, particularly in the years before he goes to school.
As before, we then left and waited to be joined by the panel chair and directly-associated social workers in order to receive our result. Again, we felt very honoured to receive unanimous approval from the panel! We had a little debrief and then chatted about the next steps and about meeting the child for the first time in “bump-in"s.
Bump-ins
Bump-ins are a way for children and adoptive parents to meet each other before formal introductions start. The idea is to meet in a public space, along with social workers and foster carers, and allow the child to gradually become used to the adoptive parents in shorter bursts.
We first met the boy we had been matched with in a bump-in in a small café. It was one of the most nerve-wracking, yet just so exciting, days of my life. I don’t think I slept much the night before; we had no idea what to expect! What would it be like? What if he hated us? How should we act or behave? Should we bring a gift? We still had a million questions and a stomach full of butterflies as we were driving to the café, parking-up, and walking in. We arrived first and so we got a table and anxiously waited (while pretending to be very relaxed with each other).
After about five minutes, we recognised one of the social workers walking in, and she was with a boy – the boy! It was surreal; the entire event immediately became a blur that flashed by in no time. It was incredible. We spent a mix of time playing with him, “chatting” to him, whilst also talking to the social worker and foster carer so that everything felt more natural to the child and not too overwhelming. But he was just amazing and the whole day was completely unforgettable.
I think Tom and I were both pretty quiet on the way home. We had fallen in love instantly with his smile and character. We couldn’t wait to see him again. We had all said goodbye outside the café with plans to meet again the following week.
We continued the bump-ins for another 4 weeks, each time spending a little more time with each other. After the first one, we met just with the foster carer and the boy each time, which was lovely as it also allowed us to build a bit of a relationship with her. We felt this was so important as she’d be someone always important in the child’s life (and he in hers). Each time we met, the boy would be more and more relaxed with us, and as well as all the playing, we got to experience feeding him and other childcare-like duties!
It quickly became time to start our formal “introductions” with him.
Introductions
Adoption “introductions” take place over a period of a few days, with the aim of gradually spending more and more time with the child, and during which time the child gradually moves in to their new home with their adoptive parents.
Our introductions took place over nine days. I won’t bore with the finer details in this post, but suffice to say they are a unique and amazing experience, whilst also being totally exhausting. We had been warned about that, and it’s definitely not something to take for granted. Each day we gradually spent more and more time with the boy and his foster carer – in her home and out and about; feeding him, changing him, bathing him, getting him ready for bed, and just learning so much every day. The foster carer was brilliant, and taught us so much we had no idea about, as well as about some of his own personality quirks.
Towards the end of the week we’d arrive early in time for him getting up in the morning, and stay with him (including going out into town on our own with him) until we’d put him to bed in the evening. On the last couple of days, we would bring him home to our house to get used to his new home, his new bedroom, and – of course – our dog.
This, in itself, was also strange, as it was like two worlds colliding: our home life, and life with this new human we were about to become parents to. It definitely felt like the point of no return – not that any part of us wanted to go back on anything!
On the ninth day we arrived early at the foster carer’s house for an online review meeting with the wider social services group, during which we discussed whether everyone was ready and happy for the boy to finally move in with us. We all agreed it was time, and so we packed the car with the last of his belongings (since most of which we’d gradually taken during the week), and said a tearful farewell to the foster carer. The start of the rest of our lives was about to begin.
The first few months
This takes us pretty much to where we are now! The past few months have just gone by in a flash. I was lucky to have about 6 weeks off work, and Tom is taking statutory parental leave/pay.
I couldn’t be prouder of our boy – he’s just done so well through all these massive changes and upheavals in his life. Every day that passes I see him grow and learn. His personality is beautiful and I can’t wait to watch it manifest as he grows older, though at the same time I just don’t want him to grow up any faster. As experienced by all parents, every day just feels so much more “full” and complete now.
The future
As I mentioned at the start of this post: we’re not done yet. Although our match has been approved, and we’ve been living together for several months, we still now share parental responsibility for the child with the local authority. This means that any decisions requiring parental consent have to be done in conjunction with the state. This is generally fine, but it still feels as if something is hanging over us and that there is more to do until we can fully belong to each other.
In order for the adoption to complete, the courts need to grant an adoption order for us to formally and legally adopt the child. This then allows us to have full parental responsibility – equal to if he were a child we (somehow) gave birth to ourselves.
This is our next step, and although it feels like we’ve come a long way already, we know we have a few months of our journey left. And we couldn’t be more excited for this, and for our future family.
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I plan to write more about the final parts of our adoption journey as they continue over the coming months. Despite being a long process, it really did feel like it passed by very quickly, and we felt fully supported throughout. It already feels as if we’ve been a family for years, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.
If you’re also going through the adoption process, considering adoption, or just interested, then please do reply to this post.